When I Say No: Teaching Children to Trust Through Boundaries

“Every time I say no, I feel like the bad guy,” a client told me today during our session.
“Even though I say yes plenty of times! It’s just… the no’s feel heavier.”

Her words were honest. Familiar.
And I could hear the love behind them.

I shared something I often say to my own children when I say YES to something they want:
“Do you see how I say yes to you? I love saying yes! It makes me happy to make space for what you want, to delight you. But when I say no — I want you to remember all those yeses. I want you to trust that if I’m saying no, it means I’ve thought about it. It means it’s coming from love. It means it’s for your good.”

That’s the heart of chinuch (guiding/educating children) — real, values-based parenting.
Not perfection. Not control.
Just consistency, trust, and clarity.

Children need to know we love to give to them.
And they need to know they can trust us when we don’t.

Because “no” can feel hard in the moment — for both of us —
but when it’s said with love and consistency, it becomes a boundary they feel safe within.
It teaches them what we value.
And more than that — it teaches them that our words mean something.

So to the parent who says yes often, but still feels like the “bad guy” when you say no —
you’re not.

You’re the protector.
The guide.
The one showing your child how to trust loving limits.
Children don’t just need parents who give.
They need parents they can trust.

And that? That’s not just parenting.
That’s chinuch.