Readiness: The Real Secret to Finding Your Soulmate

About a decade ago, I spent a year as a matchmaker on a Jewish website, connecting singles who were looking to get married. One handsome and accomplished male single on the site reached out to me asking if I could be his matchmaker. He said he would pay me $10K if I would find him a wife.

I looked at his profile and read his description about himself and what he was looking for. I don't typically make rash judgments about a person's readiness to get married as well as their character based solely on what he writes on his profile. But this was the exception. I was horrified by what I read. His words were shockingly superficial, self-serving, and dripping with entitlement. There was an unmistakable tone of narcissism.

I spoke to a fellow matchmaker and she had a different perception. After she read his profile, she felt the right thing was to tell him to change what he wrote. "But then he would be covering up his true intentions and character," I argued. In my mind, a polished profile can't manufacture humility and integrity.

Instead, I wrote a response to the man, thanking him for reaching out and very diplomatically explained that I could not take him on as a client because I only take on singles who are ready to get married.

His response came quickly and as expected. He was highly offended and completely closed to feedback. There was no humility, no curiosity, no desire to learn or grow. What he did want to know was how I could possibly turn him down when he was offering $10,000!

Another matchmaker later took him on and helped him “fix” his profile so he appeared to be a good guy. She set him up with two beautiful, impressionable women—whose hearts he ultimately broke with the same carelessness he showed from the beginning. She never found him a wife and eventually saw him for who he truly was.

I never forgot that lesson.

Though I’m no longer matchmaking, as a dating and relationships coach I hold by the same principle: I cannot take on a client who is not ready to learn, stretch, and grow. Skills can be taught. Strategies can be practiced. But readiness—real willingness—that must come from within.

If you are searching for your other half, ask yourself honestly:

Am I truly willing to grow? To look inward? To refine myself into the kind of person I hope to marry? That's what being growth oriented means.

And this is one of the most important qualities you must also seek in a spouse.

Marriage is not just about fun and playfulness.

It is about becoming more; developing yourself and expanding who you believe you can be.

Besides, a marriage can only grow as deeply as the people in it are willing to grow themselves.