Excitement in Dating: What it Needs to Be

A client recently came to me unsure if she should continue dating the young man she was with. They had gone on five dates, and while she admitted he had good character, they shared similar values, and he was attractive to look at, she said, “It just feels too calm… like something is missing. I need something more exciting.”

He really liked her. He appreciated her deeply and treated her with care. But she felt a blockage — like she didn’t want to get closer. Actually, she felt like turning away.

She assumed it was because she wasn’t “attracted enough.”

But then I asked about her upbringing and what the family dynamic was like. She was quiet as she recalled her past.

She admitted she often felt unseen growing up — like her needs were a burden. She learned to earn love by being “good,” helpful, and never a bother. But even then, it wasn't enough. Her parents didn’t share love in their own marriage, and they appeared too distracted to focus on her.

And so, in her dating life, the pattern continued. The guys she liked didn’t like her back. And she was always left wondering how she could have improved herself — what she could have done better.

Until... she met this young man who liked her just the way she was.

I asked, “Could it be that being liked by this new person easily feels wrong because you’ve learned love has to be earned?”

She was silent before she said, "I can see that." Then we talked about how calm can feel uncomfortable and foreign when we’re used to chaos and overthinking.

I told her to think back and list for me some of the things that this new dating partner did that were kind and good. Each time she named something, I answered, “Wow. He did that? THAT'S exciting!”

I invited her to see him through a new lens:

“Imagine your top criteria are good character, kindheartedness, and feeling comfortable being yourself. What if that is your new definition of exciting?”

I then told her to imagine what an amazing marriage and life could be built on these qualities — how she would never feel happy in the long term with someone she had to constantly prove herself to.

Now, she couldn’t wait to see him again — and it wasn’t because he changed, but because her perspective did.

Sometimes, the love we’ve been waiting for doesn’t come with loud drums and fireworks…

Sometimes, it comes softly...gently...and with the thrill of being truly seen.